Sohail Majeed, MS, LPC, MFT-IT (Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family therapist) Call for Appointment414-436-2544

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Fair Fighting Rules between the couple


Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.

Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.


Discuss one issue at a time.

“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome


No degrading language.

Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.


Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).


Take turns talking.

This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!


No stonewalling.

Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.


No yelling.

Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.


Take a time-out if things get too heated.

In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.


Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.


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Love and Logic Parenting


In all parts of their lives, children with great manners have a powerful advantage over those who do not. They make friends easier, get along better with their teachers, and eventually make much better employees and spouses. Here are four techniques that will give your child this life-long gift


Tip No. 1:Make a list. 

Sit down with your kids and make a list of the specific behaviors polite people display. Have fun with this activity. Your written list might look something like:

• Say “please” and “thank you”

• Eat with their mouths closed

•Burp in the privacy of their own rooms

• Say “excuse me”

• Hold doors open for people


Tip No. 2: Model these manners.

Children learn much more from our actions than from our words.


Tip No. 3: Provide kids what they want only when they use manners.

When parents use Love and Logic, they don’t waste their breath lecturing about good manners. Instead, they very politely refuse to provide what their kids want unless they hear a sweet “please” or “thank you” and see the other behaviors on their “manner list.” For this to work, parents must respond to requests with polite sadness instead of anger or sarcasm. For example, a parent might say in a sad tone of voice, “This is such a bummer. We can’t go to the movies today because you need more practice with manners first.”

A parent who sets this limit, avoids anger or sarcasm, and holds firm by s taying h ome w ill s ee a very u pset child in the short-term and a much happier, more responsible one in the long-term. 


Tip No. 4: Expect them to repay you for any embarrassment they cause.

If your child continues to be rude, he or she may need to repay you for the embarrassment or inconvenience created. With genuine empathy and sadness, a parent might say, “How sad! Your rudeness at Aunt Mary’s house really drained the energy out of me. I’ve been too tired to clean the bathrooms. When you get them done, I’m sure I’ll feel a whole lot better.” If the child refuses or forgets to do the chore, wise parents don’t lecture or threaten. Instead, they quietly allow their child to “pay” for their bad manners with one of their favorite toys. Thousands of parents have transformed manner monsters into polite kids who are a pleasure to be around. At one Love and Logic seminar, a parent commented, “When I used these tips, my boys almost immediately started to shape up. They even warned one of their rather rude friends who was visiting: ‘Better stop burping ... Our mom’s gonna make you do chores.’” Give these Love and Logic tips a try, and see how much fun parenting can be! 


www.loveandlogic.com

Finding Balance through Breath & Relaxation


Deep Breathing 

The practice of deep abdominal breathing on a regular basis can help you feel more relaxed and at ease. Deep breathing increases oxygen flow to the body and brain, decreases negative thinking, improves concentration, and improves the excretion of bodily toxins. Below is an easy and useful deep breathing exercise.  


The 5-Second Breath 

  • Take a slow deep breath that fills about 5 seconds of time for each breath (about 2½ seconds inhale, 21/2 seconds exhale)
  • You can use the second hand on a clock or watch to time your breath. Use of the second hand can help direct your attention to the deep breath and your experience of relaxation
  • Your chest, torso, and stomach will expand on the inhale and contract on the exhale. As you expand on the inhale, your lungs fill deeply
  • Breathe through your mouth or nose, whichever feels more comfortable
  • Try taking one minute’s worth of the 5-second breaths. You can do this 3-5 times per day for maximum effect.


Deep Relaxation Exercise 

Deep relaxation is more than relaxing in front of the TV or curling up with a good book. Deep relaxation is distinct physiological experience of slowing down your body, mind and emotions to a comfortable relaxed state.Below is a step-by-step approach to doing a deep relaxation exercise. You can do it for up to 20 minutes one or more times daily. 


  • Find a comfortable and quiet place to sit or lie down. Allow your body and mind to shift into relaxation without falling asleep.
  • Take 10 slow, deep, cleansing breaths. As you do this, your breathing can settle into its own comfortable pace and depth.
  • Your experience of relaxation can deepen as you notice any of the following: 
  1. You can notice the sounds around you and within you.
  2. You can notice the physical sensations in your body, like your breath going in and out.
  3. You can notice any thoughts that float in and out of your mind, like fluffy white clouds on a sunny, breezy, blue-sky day.
  4. You can notice any images in your mind that can deepen your experience of relaxation and increase your sense of comfort and security. You can notice images of pleasant places in nature, favorite relaxing activities you enjoy doing or whatever images you find pleasing and relaxing. 
  • You can return to the present moment refreshed and alert.




Beautiful Quotes


    • The happiest couples do not have the same personality. But they have the uttermost understanding of their differences.
    • One small Crack does not mean that you are broken, it is that you were put to the test and you did not fall apart- Linda Poindexter.
    • Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.
    • Pick your battles. You don’t have to show up to every argument you are invited to – Mandy Hale.
    • You teach people how to treat you, by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce- Tony Gaskins.
    • You hold the key to your cage.
    • If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them.
    • Prayers, the world’s greatest wireless connection.
    • You never know how close you are…. Never give up on your dreams.
    • 3 Cs, you must make a “choice”, to take a “chance” or your life will never “change”.

    "If you don't like something, change it; If you can't change it, change the way you think about it"

    (Mary Engelbreit)

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