Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.
Discuss one issue at a time.
“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome
No degrading language.
Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.
Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.
“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).
Take turns talking.
This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!
Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.
Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.
Take a time-out if things get too heated.
In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.
Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.
There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.
TherapistAid.com © 2014
In all parts of their lives, children with great manners have a powerful advantage over those who do not. They make friends easier, get along better with their teachers, and eventually make much better employees and spouses. Here are four techniques that will give your child this life-long gift
Tip No. 1:Make a list.
Sit down with your kids and make a list of the specific behaviors polite people display. Have fun with this activity. Your written list might look something like:
• Say “please” and “thank you”
• Eat with their mouths closed
•Burp in the privacy of their own rooms
• Say “excuse me”
• Hold doors open for people
Tip No. 2: Model these manners.
Children learn much more from our actions than from our words.
Tip No. 3: Provide kids what they want only when they use manners.
When parents use Love and Logic, they don’t waste their breath lecturing about good manners. Instead, they very politely refuse to provide what their kids want unless they hear a sweet “please” or “thank you” and see the other behaviors on their “manner list.” For this to work, parents must respond to requests with polite sadness instead of anger or sarcasm. For example, a parent might say in a sad tone of voice, “This is such a bummer. We can’t go to the movies today because you need more practice with manners first.”
A parent who sets this limit, avoids anger or sarcasm, and holds firm by s taying h ome w ill s ee a very u pset child in the short-term and a much happier, more responsible one in the long-term.
Tip No. 4: Expect them to repay you for any embarrassment they cause.
If your child continues to be rude, he or she may need
to repay you for the embarrassment or inconvenience
created. With genuine empathy and sadness, a parent
might say, “How sad! Your rudeness at Aunt Mary’s
house really drained the energy out of me. I’ve been
too tired to clean the bathrooms. When you get them
done, I’m sure I’ll feel a whole lot better.”
If the child refuses or forgets to do the chore, wise parents
don’t lecture or threaten. Instead, they quietly allow
their child to “pay” for their bad manners with one
of their favorite toys.
Thousands of parents have transformed manner monsters
into polite kids who are a pleasure to be around.
At one Love and Logic seminar, a parent commented,
“When I used these tips, my boys almost immediately
started to shape up. They even warned one of their
rather rude friends who was visiting: ‘Better stop burping
... Our mom’s gonna make you do chores.’”
Give these Love and Logic tips a try, and see how much
fun parenting can be!
The practice of deep abdominal breathing on a regular basis can help you feel more relaxed and at ease. Deep breathing increases oxygen flow to the body and brain, decreases negative thinking, improves concentration, and improves the excretion of bodily toxins. Below is an easy and useful deep breathing exercise.
The 5-Second Breath
Deep Relaxation Exercise
Deep relaxation is more than relaxing in front of the TV or curling up with a good book. Deep relaxation is distinct physiological experience of slowing down your body, mind and emotions to a comfortable relaxed state.Below is a step-by-step approach to doing a deep relaxation exercise. You can do it for up to 20 minutes one or more times daily.